To Be Alive Is To... - 01

“Life isn’t always about fixing something broken. Sometimes, it’s about starting over and creating something better.” Anonymous

I can feel the cool air-conditioned wind on the back of my neck as I try to get comfy in the capsule, there are numerous screens facing me, telling me my body’s core temperature, my heart rate, blood pressure, lung speed cycle, state of sleep and many more that I suspect a doctor would have a wet dream over.

Then slowly from a passage from above the seat, a helmet came down, it was half face, covering everything but my mouth and nose. I put it on and I feel the gel fitting fit snugly to the base of my neck and all the way around. I could see a black light in my obscured vision, it must have got some VR properties, it slowly boots up not becoming too bright for my eyes before three dimensionally showing the menu and the loading screen.

• Start
• Options
• Quit

It had only those three selections, reminding myself that I’m not holding any interactive equipment I say it aloud. “Start.” My vision tunnels as if I’m racing through a pitch black slide before jolting still. I take a look around and at myself, I’m wearing exactly what I was wearing when I entered the pod to the exact detail of the dirt under my nails.

“Welcome to Vigil Until Dawn, I’ll be guiding you to help you create….” I zone out effectively jamming what she had to say to me as I swiped around my hands to play with the options. As soon as I changed something by a minor degree another me appeared, completely naked apart from what looked like skin tight speedos.

Looking at the menus there is a lot of creation choice, I can even change species to alien races. Or I can play as a human with a wide array of genetic, cybernetic, and even neural modifications. It does say that some options are only available while is character customization but most can be bought for using in-game credits in various places.

“Pardon, however you may want to listen to what I am saying.”

My eyes race around the never ending whiteness of the character creation room before locking eyes with the what I thought was just a dumb NPC.

“Excuse me?”

“You may want to listen to what I have to say, it may pertain information about the game you wish to play.”

I examine what I believe before to be a non-sentient existence, what was shown to me was a female avatar dressed formally for business, long brown hair, and glasses.

“Sorry…?” It was more of a question than a statement that I am.

“I am an Artificial Intelligence tasked with helping players create their characters for maximum customer satisfaction.”

“Okay, I’m Eric.” I raised my hand to offer a handshake, she did the same offering a more dejected hand with confusion etched on her avatar’s face. “Grasp the hand like this” I hold her hand and shake it.

“What is that?”

“A handshake, but grasp more firmly next time.”

“Stored in memory banks.” We continue staring at each other, perhaps trying to assert dominance over who is the smarter person here. Obviously, I am not, however, I can put in a complaint and get her memory wiped. “Is there something wrong?” She asks staring at my face.

“Nope!”

“You can change your character into several different kinds of biological races and three types of machine type, would you like to choose any?”

“No, just leave me human.”

“You can also perform several types of modifications to humans, ranging from; genetic, cybernetic, neural and general body enhancements. Would you like to receive any changes?”

I look at her again, most of those words went way over my head but I can sort of understanding the jargon, they sound interesting enough. But I’d like to think I can also acquire most of these in-game as well. “No, I’ll be fine.”

“Would you like to change your character appearance?”

When It Begins To Fester - 03

“Look, I get why you’re here. You’re hoping that somewhere, deep down inside me I haven’t forgotten about you.” He said the entire thing quietly.

“No that’s not it.” But he gives me stern look.

“My mum, dad, Dominic, and all my army buddies all thought the same. They all came thinking ‘surely he’ll remember me, we were so close’. A week later they’re all gone apart from Dom, but he gets it, he’s a smart lad which is why he’s still here, helping me feel normal.” He emphasizes that last part.

“I-I know.” I choke up a little once more, he sighs and gives me a hug. “Stupid asshole,” I mutter and he chuckles sadly as well. I try to take a deep breath but everything just smells of him, a deep musky, rich wood smell. We break away and I take another glance at his face, it isn’t unblemished. He’s starting to get a dark shadow across his jawline and neck, he probably keeps it there to hide all the little scars that appear to dot him now. I see him for what he is now, probably not for the months of surgery, healing and rehab it took him to get him walking and talking.

“How did you get injured?” I say it so quietly I almost don’t hear it, be Eric bobs his head, nodding like it’s one of the most natural

questions in the world. He pauses and takes a large gulp of his sweet tea and sighs.

“I got caught in the blast radius of an RPG-7…” He paused and looked at my face then elaborated, “A rocket propelled grenade launcher, the thing they use to take out armored vehicles.”

My jaw dropped, how the fuck did he survive that. “I-I’m sorry Eric, I didn’t know.”

“Don’t worry about it, I am technically alive.” I watch his lips curl into a mirthless smile as he depreciates himself and stares into his drink trying to work out if will predict his future.

I feel my lips tremble as words flow out “What do you mean ‘technically’, you are alive.”

“I feel like a shell, a husk, empty.” He pauses wanting to say more but he catches himself before he truly falls, “Sorry, I’m just being melodramatic.” He looks at me with that same fake smile.

“No Eric, you’re not. You cannot downplay this as being a fuckin’ teenage drama, you got blown up for Christ’s sake!” My voice rising in volume and pitch, it’s subtle but I see tremors of emotion in his hand, he is barely keeping himself together.

“Amelia, I think you should leave.” I open my mouth to defend myself, he has never kicked me out before. I give him a hard stare to show my unwillingness to leave, I wouldn’t leave normally if I was being asked like this. But he needs his space and Dominic is here with him.

“Fine” It comes out as a little growl, I make a point of finishing my drink before I leave but then I soon hear the door softly click behind me and I release a breath. Putting my hands to my head I wonder what I can do.

‘I suppose I’ll have to come back then.’ I aimlessly give out a coffee bean bitter smile.

When It Begins To Fester - 02

Knocking on the door twice, more gently than last time a younger version of Eric opens it. His blonde hair lighter and longer than Eric’s, maybe cuter but the older one is definitely more handsome. Glancing over to the sofa I see Eric struggling to master the controls of Dominic’s game. Before Eric would beat Dominic every time, but the student has become the master.

“Hey, Amelia.” Dominic says very loudly for Eric to hear, he rotates his head around and squints at me.

‘Not as cute as Dom, but definitely more handsome.’ I think to myself.

“Dom come over here, I’m sick of dying.” He quickly excuses himself and passes the controller over to his brother, I enter the apartment and shut the door behind me. It's too neat and tidy for one man and a teenager, with a number of houses I’ve been too I’d expect boxers on the floor and dishes in the sink but Eric manages quite well. Instead of walking over to me he walks to the kitchen and I meet him over there. “I didn’t expect you to be over here so soon, I thought you’d give it a couple days.” He genuinely sounded surprised, half leaning on the counter with his arm the other hand on his waist.

“I did say I’d be back.” I flicked the kettle on for myself.

“Already making yourself at home?” He breathed through his teeth, “My brother laughed when I told him what you said.” He changed the subject quickly, obviously just teasing me with the first part of the sentence.

“Oh?”

“You quoted Terminator apparently,” he pauses “I need to rewatch it but apparently that’s a big part of the movie and I should laugh.” I couldn’t help but laugh at that, I did accidentally quote it. But it was even funnier because he was speaking like a robot! I watch him take a few cups of the drying board and distribute teas and coffees.

“I never asked what you like to drink.” He raises an eyebrow at me.

“Coffee, milky with two sugars please.” I reply watching his eyebrow.

“Awesome a normal person like me.” My entire body came over with a cold pinprick sensation, he used to make this joke all the time. “My brother is a complete weirdo taking five sugars with no milk.” He shuddered, he looks back at me after filling up the cups. “What?”

“Y-you used to say that all the time.” His eyes widen in surprise but then become sad again.

“Really huh, I guess no matter where you go…” He pauses and says the next bit loudly “Dominic is a freak!”

“Shut the fuck up Eric!” Dominic harshly shouts back without blinking away from the screen while Eric chuckles. He slides the coffee over to me and I take a sip, damn he makes the best damn coffee anywhere. I take in his features again, comparing him to how he was before he went on tour. He still has the same dainty curved nose, dirty blonde hair, slim body build. Much slimmer than Fred, his skin looked like Casper’s buttcheeks. Compared to suntan from before, his eyes didn’t carry the strong confident gaze but the gaze of a hurt animal.

“You know, you may not have your memories but you still do act like your old self,” I comment smiling slightly, he clenches his jaw a little and flares his nostrils. He only does that when he is holding himself back from saying something, that should have been a good thing it’s part the way to remembering, isn’t it?

When It Begins To Fester - 01

“Victory is not won in miles but in inches. Win a little now, hold your ground, and later, win a little more.” Louis L’Amour

I took a deep breath outside the flat, it’s an ordinary grey 20 floored building, completely ordinary. I had been thinking about that moment for months, I thought maybe he grew tired of me. Hated me, forgot about me. I had a plan of what I would say to him, but the moment I saw his grey eyes. I had to say something, I’ve never seen him so hurt, dejected… broken. I regretted saying that the moment they left my lips and when I entered his home I could feel his presence there, how much I missed the comforting aura he had, had because it seems to be replaced with gloom and uncertainty. He is not the confident man I knew before, the one that would make me laugh at his silly jokes and wiggling his eyebrows. But there are something’s that can’t be removed I kept my eyes open or maybe I’m seeing that is just wishful thinking. He is still the determined and dedicated oaf I knew,

‘Somethings never change.’ I smiled getting back into the police car and continue with the patrol route. I firmly believe that Eric can once again the confident and collected guy I knew, just maybe with the right push and goal he will be. Pursing my lips together at that thought something akin to a mischievous grin is plastered on my face.I quickly get round to finishing my patrol and get back to the station for signing off shift, nothing much happened a quiet day of scanning license plates and they were coming back clean.

“You seem happy Eli!” A female coworker called Amy calls out in the changing room, she has tied up blonde hair, put into a bun, blue eyes and a smallish flat face, not overly attractive but not that bad looking either.

“Well… I.” I stumbled to explain because I didn’t quite know.

“Did you give him a piece of your mind? You’ve been moping around for a while. I’m sure you don’t need to be hung up on one guy.” She giggles.

“Something like that.”

“You must have destroyed him.” I let out an awkward laugh at that and picked up my bag to leave, on the way out I bumped into some more officers, mostly all male.

“Eli! You comin’ out? It’s about time you got over that prick anyway.” Fred gave a warm smile but said all the wrong words.

“I have plans tonight… With Eric.” My voice leaking out some venom into it and my stomach tightens.

“He’s no good for you Eli, he’s just going to ‘mysteriously’ disappear again. He was probably sleeping around like any other soldier.” Thomas rises to defend Fred, I scowl my face deeper and frown at him deciding he is not worth my time to argue with and just leave.

“Eli!” Fred’s voice calls behind me as I storm past and I listen to him jog to catch up, he spins me around be touching my shoulder to look at him. “Eli, I don’t know what you want me to say. He hurt you, you’ve only just gotten over him and yet you’re already going back to him. We just don’t want to see you hurt again.” I study his face, he is quite handsome. Chocolate eyes and dark rich black hair cut short and swept to the side. The physique of a well-built man and a small vertical scar just between his nose and upper lip.

“Frankly Fred I don’t need you to worry about my love life, that is personal, secondly I did not ask you to worry about me.” I give a curt reply and I see him press his lips together and sigh once more.

“I just don’t think he’s the right guy for you.”

“And what, you are?”

We stand in silence for a few more moments, he doesn’t deny he thinks that but life doesn’t work out so well for everyone. He may be handsome but I am just not attracted to him, he just seems very controlling and clingy to me. I have compared him to Eric before and even now Eric has the feeling of laid back calmness, I turn heel and leave taking my own car to Eric’s apartment.

⚶

Those That Dream Of Demons - 07

I rub my face close the door and flick on the kettle, taking two cups out the cupboard I place them on the kitchen side. One is my mug a crematic grey the other is a sourpuss pink one. “Take a seat.” I sigh and she walks over there in a huff taking off her jacket and placing it on her legs with her hat atop that while she fiddles with it.

“Why haven’t you talked to me, Eric? I thought you were going to be at my promotion ceremony, my birthday. Have I done anything wrong?” Her voice breaks and cracks a little, she’s almost crying now, she gives the same look my brother gives when I told him I didn’t know him. My brother has the wish that I would at least remember him because we were so close.

“I got injured... In combat.” I let the words slowly flow out my mouth, every time I say my situation it doesn’t make it easier. It makes it more real. She stands up her jacket and hat falling onto the floor. Her tears becoming more apparent now which is making me want to tear up.

“W-why… Why didn’t you tell me?” She begins using her sleeve to try and wipe them away, I ignore the drinks for now and hug her. “That doesn’t mean you get to ignore me!” She cries out, she probably has waited for ages for me to message her, all those feelings turning bitterness, regret, disparity and breaking her self-confidence. “You promised! You promised that… That you wouldn’t…” Her sobs heave into my chest. I hear the door unlocking and my brother Dominic peers in, I shrug in response and he slowly closes the door behind him leaving me alone with a crying woman I don’t know.

Please don’t arrest me, please don’t arrest me… I would have preferred an actual legal problem over a personal vendetta.

I hear the electric kettle click off when it’s finished boiling, but now is not the time for that. “How long have you been home since getting injured?” Her voice is almost steady now, slightly trembling, I pat her head noticing she’s a full head height shorter than me, maybe a bit more.

I guide her down sitting and I sit next to her, I hold her hands and look into her eyes. I’m going to tell her as clearly and as cleanly possible. “For two months I was in a coma.” Her eyes went wide and she bit her lip to stop herself from probably hitting me, probably trying to get the rest of the story out of me. “When I woke up I was told I have a form of PTSD, that’s suppressing all my memories. But now they’re thinking its brain damage, I can’t remember anything beyond waking up eight months ago, no dreams, no deja vu. Not anything, I’m sorry.” I couldn’t look at her at the last part, I don’t know what kind of relationship the previous Eric had with her, but that’s long gone now.

“You don’t remember me?” I shook my head at her, her voice is breaking by the end of those four words. “Anything?” She sounded desperate and I pull her into another hug.

“Look, I am not the Eric you knew before. I look like him, but I’m not. I understand if you never want to see me again, to forget about me like I forgot you and that’s okay.” I whisper into her ear and she breaks away from me.

“That’s not happening!” He yells at my face holding my cheeks. Her eyes are red and puffy, tears flowing down her face. I don’t know what I did but she slaps me. “Get that defeatist look off your face!” I probably smirked at her unknowingly.

“You know, don’t you usually have to be at work by a certain time?” I try and think of a sly way to get her out my apartment, she looks at her watch and smirks back.

“I’m doing my morning rounds, just happened to be checking up on a friend.” She starts putting her jacket back on and places her hat under her arm. “I’ll be back.” She opens the door and almost slams it behind her.

I think to myself, for awhile trying to piece together bits and pieces of the storm that just came through my apartment. Shit, I don’t even know her name.

_____________________________________________________

Sorry about the long away time, but we should be back to regular updates now.

Those That Dream Of Demons - 06

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“Hello this is Wolfe Reality, my name is Riley. How can I help you?” The help desk operator called answered when I called the company.

“Hi I recently bought a game Vigil Until Dawn, it was for my younger brother but I didn’t realise that he literally couldn’t play it. So I would like to cancel my order.” I summarily my situation quickly.

“We can do that sir, however, you won’t be refunded for the one-month subscription you paid for when you got the device, the uninstallation is free and can be done whenever you require it.” Riley smoothly explains what the deal is to me.

“But I can be refunded for the capsule itself?” I throw a question.

“Yes, we can clean it and have it reused easily sir.” He answers and I nod to myself.

“Uhh, there’s no point wasting a month's subscription, I might as well play it until that ends.” I say to the operator.

“Exactly sir, I’ve got one myself at home and it is amazing, have a good morning and I’ll record your number to call back when your subscription runs out, bye!” He cheerily hung up. I take my kit and I pack my bag to go to the gym, it’s a Friday morning and Dominic has gone to school, then going to home to see mum and dad. Little fucking spy.

A few sharp knocks bring me to the door, I peer through the peephole and see a woman. Her hat was blocking her face but I could tell by the figure. She’s wearing a white long sleeved shirt, a checkered white and black tie with a big black overcoat.

Oh and stab proof vest that said ‘Police’ on it.

As she was going to rap my door again with her fist, I throw it open. Her partner must be watching the fire escape in case I run and if I have to run I would choose her that I am physically larger than rather than an unknown potential threat, not that I’ve done anything that would warrant the police knocking on my door, still. She looks rather pissed off at me. We stand there for a few seconds before she releases a venomous tone into the air, which sounds like the words

“Well? Aren’t you going to let me in?” I flinch a bit at the sound of it and make way. She makes her way to the kitchen and starts inspecting the place, “How long have you been back then?” She interrogates me, I ignore her for now and look at her face. She took her cap off when as she walked through the door so I can clearly see her face now and... Of course, all the pretty ones treat you like shit. She has hazel eyes, black hair, caramel skin and red lips. She talks in a clear British accent of southern England but her heredity is not of the United Kingdom.

“Well?!” She slightly yells out with irritation written into the tone of her voice, oh god is she someone I was dating before I got deployed? Please don’t be that awkward, please, please, please, please just be a friend.

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Those Who Dream Of Demons - 05

Previous Page

“Holy shit,” I mutter at the screen, it’s been awhile since I’ve been gobsmacked. He will love it, he’s a proper gamer and would love the realism taken to the next level. I place an order for it and head home.

It’s just my little brother and me living together in a two-bedroom apartment, it has a fully functional kitchen but that also doubles as the dining room, which happens to also be the living room. It’s a little small but I call it compact and everything is where I need it to be. Truthfully we don’t live together but he enjoys spending more time with me than he does at our parent's house, it’s also closer to his school. I just can’t work out if they’re doing it for my benefit of not being alone, his for being closer to school or theirs to get us out their hair.

⚶

I sigh as I walk back in, I can hear the TV on and the sounds of gunfire, I don’t know why he likes these warry games. You would think with what happened to me he wouldn’t play it in my house but, I guess that’s what I like about him. He doesn’t give a fuck and will just treat me as his brother regardless of what’s happened to me. “Hey, Dom.” I collapse into the sofa next to him.

“Hey, Ric.” He doesn’t glance away from the screen and proceeds to get killed in the game, he releases a disappointed sigh and respawns. “Gi’me some Tac advice.” When I first got back and he said that I had no clue what he was on about, but I quickly picked up that he wanted me to guide him into winning.

“Left… Climb that ladder… Hide in the corner and listen.” We both listened for footsteps and we did hear a couple, after confirming it wasn’t teammates by the map I gave my advice. “Cook a flash, turn the corner slowly and aim at the legs.” He did exactly that, and we were both brought to the respawn menu. This time we both sighed.

“It would’ave worked if the game was more realistic, and people gave a shit about their avatars and not throwing them around like fuckin’ slabs of meat.” He whined and I nodded.

“Which reminds me, I bought you a game. They said it’ll be here and installed within the week.” I explained, he looks at me with a skeptical eye trying to work out what kind of game would need to be installed and not just bought.

“No, no, no, no. NO!” He shouts tossing his controller to the side and placing his hands on his face in sadness.

“What?” I stand up again and take the bag of groceries with me to the kitchen counter and begin unpacking them.

“Look, Eric, I love you to bits but you’ve practically placed a fuckin’ fifteen-pound steak in front of a wolf but chained with the wolf to the fuckin’ fence!” He cries out exasperated, it must be a good game if he’s acting like that. “I can’t play it, it’s age restricted.”

“So?” I scoff at him like that’s stopped him before.

“Look you muscle fuck, it’s able to tell your age since you have to physically step into a fuckin’ pod, so it will know I’m underage.” He talked with his hands and making chopping motions as he said each word slowly at the end.

“Oh.” I finally understood.

“Dick.” He complains and respawns in the game. It looks like I’ll have to call them tomorrow to cancel the order and I thought I’d get out of Tac advice.

⚶


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